Having meandered our way slowly North we finally arrived in its capital, Hanoi, our last stop in Vietnam. From here we planned to take a trip to Top Gear’s finishing line, the beautiful limestone peaks of Ha Long Bay. We also didn’t have long on our Visa… and didn’t plan on finding out what happened to those who were never allowed to leave… who is the famous dead body in Vietnam? Would we make it on the final leg into China?
In Hanoi, if its nearly flat, it is a way of passage – and everybody has right of way.
Our sleeper bus from Hue dropped us off hungry and tired (a common theme) in the centre of Hanoi’s old district. It had been an interesting ride, relegated to the back seat of the bus, which on a sleeper is basically one big stretch of bed for five people. Kinky. Lynette spent longer than she’d ever planned with the bum of a Vietnamese man pressed into her side. We were immediately collared by a tout who took us to his favourite hostel; there were other travellers there but in honesty it was a dump so we made our excuses and went for breakfast. There we found a great cafe on Hang Bac street, friendly, good food and free Wi-Fi – unfortunately we’ve forgotten the name! Leaving Lynette happily nursing a cup of tea I went hunting… and this time it was tough. While everywhere generally had space, none was perfect – either expensive, very dirty or no Wi-Fi, and very difficult to choose between them – I couldn’t even stand up straight in one the ceiling was so low. In the end we opted for the new Golden Wings Hotel, although I should perhaps have been worried when he tried to show me the bedroom while people were still in it (they were just as surprised). It ended up being a great choice, $15 including breakfast, especially when they moved us to a better room without us even asking… 
One funny thing about Hanoi is the amount of blatent plagiarism – we spotted about fourteen Kangaroo Cafes attempting to capitalise on their namesake’s success!
Lynette in front of Hanoi Opera House; if you’ve ever heard Asian opera you’ll understand why we didn’t go inside…
Refusing to let a little thing like having had no sleep bother us, we immediately strode out into the blazing whirlwind of Hanoi traffic to see the sights. Here everything is fair game, the pavement, the road and road works are just a big fuzzy blur and pedestrians, scooters, cars and lorries use any of the above as their preferred surface of transport. It makes walking anywhere very slow, and slightly dangerous. Within seconds we’d walked past another tourist who suddenly burst into tears; she’d had her wallet stolen within the last five seconds. A nearby taxi driver nodded sagely and said ‘mafia’. We thought ‘so you leapt to help then? Friendly…’. Thankfully that was probably the closest we would come to petty crime in the whole of South East Asia! After some brief consoling we moved on, and managed to squeeze in a walk around the outside of the Hanoi Opera House, the Vietnamese History Museum (interesting, and amusingly everything is dated BP for ‘Before Present’. Whether this is updated annually we don’t know…) and finally a walk around Hoan Kiem Lake before calling it a day and going for a well deserved beer – although we nearly fell asleep with the bottles in our mouths which would have been highly embarrassing.
Ha Long Bay
A junk next to the famous ‘Kissing Rock’. We can’t see it either!
Since the weather had turned a depressing shade of grey recently, we reached the decision that staying overnight in Ha Long bay for either side of the moon would have been pointless, and therefore booked (through the hostel for $16 each) a day trip to the bay and back. We’d started to miss sitting on a bus, obviously, as this method should involve three hours of travel there and back. Unfortunately for us it involved around ten hours total, as some unlucky souls had a car crash ahead of us and a massive traffic jam ensued. A few frantic calls by our tour guide later and we arrived at the boat ready to go. Lunch was pretty good, although the mass of boats headed in the same direction was like a scene from Troy. We propped up our spirits by declaring that foggy mist and grey sky was surely the best way to see these huge rocks in the sea, it would be all mysterious and ethereal. A bit like our wedding photos.
One of the fishing platforms, proudly displaying the Vietnamese flag. And the daily washing.
Before long an ominous shadow was growing larger in the mists. Everybody rushed to take photos of this one lonely peak, before tens more speared their way through the waves and the spooky calm we’d been hoping for started to send everybody a little more silent. The boats slowly entered a large clear area, where dozens of fishing platforms suddenly sprang into existence, each proudly holding the Vietnamese flag aloft. Fisherman’s wives and their children frantically paddled out in rowing boats to sell fruit and snacks, while others on the boat
opted to visit a local school; apparently many of these people can live their entire life out here and never venture to land. Before long we carried on our way, passing the dubiously named Kissing Rock, and completing a circuit that took us through more and more wondrous sights. At least, in the flesh they’re pretty astounding, now we’ve come back to sift through the photos having five hundred pictures of a rock in the sea seems overkill… but it was definitely cool.
Lynette and I in front of the beautiful limestone caves of Thien Cung caves.
One unexpected highlight were the Thien Cung caves, we hadn’t even given this itinerary item a glance but it was an immense and beautiful cave system decked through with coloured lights and overly elaborate naming schemes for particular stalactite formations. It was quite kitsch, the visuals were verging on psychedelic and the stairs appeared to naturally mould into the natural sculptures themselves (which is either a random freak of nature that somebody upstairs needs to explain, an excellent piece of workmanship that the craftsmen should be proud of, or shameful destruction of a natural beauty spot – take your pick) but as long as you don’t take it too seriously and don’t physically maim one of the many loud tour guides in the cavern then you’ll have a grand time.
The Ho Chi Minh Complex
Uncle Ho himself, saying hello to the thousands of visitors that flock here each year.
Ho Chi Minh, also known as Nguyễn Ái Quốc (1890-1969), is without a doubt the most famous figure in the Vietnamese revolutions with his picture on banknotes and an entire city renamed in his honour (Saigon to Ho Chi Minh). Previously the Prime Minister and then President of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam, he led the Viet Minh independence movement in his bid to oust the French, and gave final authorisation for the famous Tet Offensive that changed the fate of the Vietnam war. He died before being able to see the outcome in Hanoi. Now, in the capital of Vietnam, there is an entire complex devoted to this man, including a museum and his mausoleum. Of course there are lots of shops and cafes for tourists also, but we won’t talk about those lest they ruin the moment.
In the distance is Ho Chi Minh’s Mausoleum, across the grass plains of death and embarrassment.
A fair old walk later, we arrived in eyesight of Uncle Ho’s final resting place. In front of the not exactly pretty big concrete block, lays a vast span of grass, interspersed by paved paths and policed by guards. Thinking we could cross through straight to the mausoleum, he merrily headed towards the flag. To be blown a whistle at and pointed to get off. This happened several times. Ever so slightly bewildered as to why they couldn’t just put up a fence (makes things much clearer and it doesn’t need holidays, teabreaks or a whistle) we walked the long way round to the entrance. Which is when we saw the point of the whole idiotic space of grass. It is to watch other tourists doing exactly the same thing and laugh and point. Life can be cruel sometimes…
If you’re lucky, you’ll receive a New Year’s Greeting card from Ho Chi Minh himself (1952-54). You’re on his list.
Actually walking through the mausoleum is quite an experience. In morbid silence, groups are ushered through by tightly drilled uniformed guards, into a large room where the walkway slowly takes you around the edge and back out the other side. No speaking, taking photos (absolutely no chance) and I was even pointed out to take my hands from their warm pockets. In the centre are four statue like guards staring into the distance at each point of a large glass box, where inside lays Uncle Ho himself, drained of blood and looking like a wax dummy. It was a very strange, moving experience and when we emerged blinking from the other side you certainly feel as if you have just paid witness to somebody and something very important. Which was of slight contrast to the museum, which while extensive and well laid out, with evidently vast resources ploughed in to make it as candy rich as possible. Indeed, like many foreign exhibits, they’ve probably gone slightly over the top with vaguely relevant efforts of modern art taking up huge amounts of space and certain items completely devoid of explanation, by them or us! We didn’t actually learn a huge amount while in here, but it was interesting nonetheless.
One of 82 stelae, erected to celebrate the achievements of 1,307 graduates into the National Academy between 1442 and 1779.
Our next stop was the Temple of Literature, or Van Mieu, Vietnam’s principal Confucian sanctuary and centre of learning. Expecting a serene nexus of contemplation, it was quite a shock to find a temple so swarming with tourists and hawker’s shops it even had an ATM installed inside. Still, seeing the famous tortoise mounted stelae with the names of successful candidates to the National Academy (entry 1442 to 1779) are inscribed was vaguely interesting…
The Hanoi Food Crawl
A group of locals enjoying the fun communal activity of peeling garlic!
On our first day in Hanoi, we’d randomly picked up a local free magazine called ‘The Word’. Having coped with the initial shock of no Terry Christian editorial, we opened it to find a mine of information from this media sales (level of government influence unknown but evident!) financed rag including details of an illegal book copying operation bust, editorials on various nationwide infrastructure projects and where to find the best kebab in town.
This man has a lot more faith in the driving skills of his peers than we do.
One topic we’ve mentioned before is our refusal to give money to beggars on the streets, and bolstering our argument was a piece that covered the breakup of a begging racket in Binh Duong. A couple and the wife’s sister hired three men to take nine old people and children to markets, pagodas and gas stations to beg for money and sell lottery tickets. Each would rake in between 200,000-400,000D a day and hand it all over to the couple – in turn they were paid back only 20,000D each. Using the magazine’s numbers, for each member of the six man ring it represented a $10k salary – which in Vietnamese terms is far above average! An example of the exploitation that exists in every country underneath the surface, it’s better to give with thought than with numbers…
Lynette and I enjoying a bowl of ground eel sausages… yum!
Also very usefully the magazine had a recommended off the beaten path food crawl in Hanoi – which we were well up for! Vietnamese food in general is a little… average. There’s only so much fried rice and noodles you can eat, and some of the mentioned delicacies sounded great;
- 87 Hang Dieu – Mien Xao Luon (Fried Noodles & Eel), 30,000D – Ordered this, got served soup. Looking confused, we complained but found language a major barrier. Felt stupid when realised the dish includes two courses, and the 2nd was what we were actually expecting! Little crispy bits of eelin a mountain of noodles, very tasty and incredibly filling!
- 87 Hang Dieu – Cha Luon (Ground Eel Sausage), 12,000D – A tasty little dish of sliced Eel sausage in a broth, absolutely delicious and very easy to order more we think!
- 76 Hang Dieu – Banh Troi Tau None (Hot Ginger Che), 10,000D – Not quite what we expected… yes a ginger tea but with two big floating balls in the middle, one with black stuff in the middle and a hint of chocolate, the other with white squidgy paste and we have no idea what that was. An interesting drink… an acquired taste.
- 76 Hang Dieu – Caramen Chanchan Cotdua (Weird milkshake thing), 12,000D – Having spotted a little girl with a colourful looking cocktail that could either be a knicker bocker glory or a cottage pie smoothie I decided to give it a go. Even odder than the tea, the coloured bits turned out to be a tasteless jelly lump and the main shake was like soya milk. Prize to anyone who knows what these little lumps were!
At this point we were decidedly full!!! Probably only need one bowl of noodles and eels between two! The other recommendations, although we didn’t try them, were:
- 41 Cau Go – Ngao Hap & So (Steamed Clams & Blood Cockles), 200,000D total bill for two including a beer.
- #5 Doorway Dong Xuan Market – Cua Bay (Steamed Crabs), 20,000D.
- Top of Phau Cau Dong Alley/South to Luong Van Can – Hu Tieu & Banh Bao (Southern China style ‘Pho & Egg, Pork, Mushroom dumpling), 190,000D for four & 8,000D.
- 33 Phu Tay Ho – Banh Tom (Fried battered shrimp), 40,000D for eight.
- End of Ngo Van So/Ngoc Van – Beer (Fresh beer on roof terrace), priceless.
Tam Coc
We passed many locals churning their submerged paddy fields, which all explode into view in a few months time…
Tam Coc is a miniature landlocked version of Ha Long bay, a long lake meandering through huge limestone cliffs that shares its space with numerous paddy fields that remain completely hidden until harvest time. Having weighed up attempting the trip ourselves, we decided that DIY would be too risky when if we missed it we’d also miss our planned bus to China. So we booked the excursion through our hostel for $17 each, we think they were starting to like us!
Each corner we turned opened up a whole new breathtaking view to absorb.
An early start took our mini bus to Ninh Binh and some random temples, the name and purpose of which escapes us but they were vaguely interesting, ish. We then squeezed in a veritable banquet for lunch, before finally heading to the purpose of our trip, a boat trip through the flooded landscapes of Tam Coc. The ride itself was lovely; the locals attempt to compare it to Ha Long bay but it is a totally different experience. The surroundings must vary hugely with season, and if we were to do it again ideally we’d stay the night before in Ninh Binh and pay for the boat trip ourselves; the swarm of boats that we were nestled in on our way through the waters wasn’t our first choice – an unfortunate evil of taking the quicker herd approach to a day out.
Our rower, Anna, 52, and good with her feet. She used her hands as well, when her legs got tired…
Our boat rower for the afternoon was Anna, who spoke excellent French but unfortunately only enough English to make sure she got a tip at the end. We saw various tourists being mugged by their rowers, sometimes even being boarded by a rower’s mate in tag team fashion. Penned in by the watery moat around them, many arrived back penniless carrying only scarves and postcards for comfort. Lynette was obviously a little more firm; her first No carried enough weight that Anna quickly palmed off the souvenirs she was carrying to another boat as she wasn’t getting anywhere. I did help row to make up for her lack of trade, although quickly regretted it as it was quite tiring and there was a long way to go. It didn’t help that she was 52 and wasn’t even breaking a sweat…!
Some of the local kids attempting their first roller blading lesson; not too many tears and plenty of smiles!
Our time in Hanoi finally done, we headed back to the Golden Wings Hostel for our last night in Vietnam. Tomorrow it was an early start, and a whole new country, the most populous in the world… China!
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Ducks! Animals! Wildlife! Anything gets us excited these days!
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